What I Want in Life

I've often heard this, and I even wrote a previous blog but erased it because I thought it silly, but right now I'm watching A Perfect Score, the one with Robert Deniro and Edward Norton. In it, Deniro says something along the lines of "make a list of what you want, slowly get them one by one," and ... enjoy it or something like that. The moral: having a set goal is good, even if it changes.

I want to work in a smallish city like Santa Cruz somewhere in a scientist recommended country for global warming, living from small house to house as I buy them, somewhat near a college. I as I buy them and pay them off, I'd live them rent them out relatively cheaply to good students. In the end, I want to retire nicely and do a good deed to the future generations.

In the end, I want to live far enough in the country that would be agreeable for a zombie invasion. Yes I'm serious and yes I'm silly. Shut up, this is my list! I’d like at least an acre, hopefully two or even three. I’d like a strong fence that can take charging zombies, and a tall design so the average athletic joe couldn’t climb it, as well as a gate. I grew up opening and closing a gate to my house, so I’m used to the inconvenience. Maybe I’d even have a solar powered opener, like my parents.

Maybe not while I’m working with kids, etc. but certainly when I’m retired, I’d like my home to be quiet self-sustained. I’d like to start with the easiest and hopefully accomplish a lot, starting with chickens and eggs, maybe a goat or two to trim the lawn, maybe even a milk cow or another …not milk cow, land permitting, for beef. If I got really crazy, I could just stick with goats and goat milk, though I’ve never tried goat milk but love cow milk, so we’ll see. If I were successful enough (now that I think of it, it wouldn’t take that much money) I could choose a parcel of land that had a natural spring, dig up a pond, and stick salmon and another healthy fish in there. Then I, and the animals would be really happy. =)

I’d like two German shepherds, one girl and one boy named beauty and beast, or buffy and spike, etc. (lol) and a lab of some sort. I’ve never had a lab but they’re so fun! =) Either way, a third dog of some sort, and of course, kitties. A friend had a good idea, to not have a doggie door as it lets in so much cold/hot air. Then again, she had a shitty one always half broken. Maybe by then, they’d have an efficient one, but it does sound good as far as security goes. Even with all my silly requirements, I do want everything to be modest looking, as to not attract attention during say, a depression.

I’ve always wanted my kids to go to the finest (non-religious/ridiculously academic) academic schools, but with global warming in mind, I’ll have to do my best. I don’t want to have to worry about the advancing parental worries of the internet, etc. but as technology is only growing, them being computer literate is also important. I hope having computers in some sort of family room would be sufficient. Speaking of rooms, I would like a nice kitchen with lots of shelf space + a pantry. I used to want a second fridge but on second thought, that is a lot of energy consumption when things in a fridge might not be that good.

I want a sufficiently roomy kitchen, small dining room that could barely fit 6, a living room/main TV room with treadmill, stair master, and perhaps another future exercise contraption, office where my and my spouse’s desks and computers would be, family room where kid stuff and their computers (two old ones I’m thinking, depending on the # of kids) would be, enough rooms for the kids to each have their own, though I think it would be healthy for them to share a bathroom. As an only child, I feel that having the privacy of one’s own room is important. And finally, a master bedroom with a not-ridiculous-master bathroom. If we were ever to have a jaccuzi of some sort, it would be outside to be shared with everyone, not selfishly in our bathroom.

Confessions of a Stupid Girl

Barely 18 years old, I wowed three middle aged men.

It all started with my middle aged friend Ling. Going to college at a young age means a naive person amongst older people. Growing up fast made me mature enough to not only able to eloquently communicate but live in their world and befriend a woman 15 years older than me. I was closer to her daughter's age. Shortly after we befriended, her ex-husband, father of her daughter, passed. Then followed was a dark time for her of confused misery and loneliness. She charged through this through sex drugs (alcohol) and ...experimentation. My first regret is that I was not at the time, wise enough as to what was truly going on. Her first threesome wasn't with me, but now the majority of them are, comprising of 3 men, all 6-30 years older than me, totaling to 5 occasions. We also had similar incidences, making a total of 5 different men.


That all started with her friend Joseph, an old coworker of hers. We had always been the different sort of girls that like beer, talk about sex, etc. When she found that a man had never made me orgasm, she thought of her old coworker, her emotional and sexual comfort during a miserable marriage. When she happened to be traveling near his area, she invited me along and even paid for a hotel. I didn't know why should would do that, basically so I could have sex with an old flame and I doubt she knew either. Why would I even consider sex with a stranger? I was just that lost, as well. I suppose upon reflection, I realize that we were both numbed from pain we did not want to deal with, and so our subconscious searched for something to feel. Anyways, sex with Ling's Joseph pushed us into a downward spiral, and neither of us knew it was happening. Of course, she was conflicted afterwords with a terrible mixture of jealousy, confusion, wanting, and resentment, she lead the way to worse situations and I followed, hand in hand. We are both equally to blame.

From a psychological standpoint, all of her decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, and the search for a cure in all the wrong men. She was the independent type no one could help, yet her weakness was her romantic void, and her need to fill it. Overweight, older, and with kids, she felt she got men's attention more when she was by my side, smacking my ass and pinching my nipples. Unfortunately, the morning after was always the same "wham bam thank you ma'am" shit, and she was left feeling worse, of course. If I could go back in time and change things or tell myself something, this is it.

From a psychological standpoint, all of my decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, accompanied by youth's ignorance and lack of fear. I was naive, and game for anything. A good two years later, (not much, I know) I can't adequately determine what my malfunction was, which I know still exists. My best analysis is that I perceived drinking underage in all the bars of my town and the surrounding, experimenting with a female, and attention from older men as me being special. I'm pretty sure I just hated myself. I'm pretty sure at some point, I acknowledged that was I was doing was sleeping around (stupid), and just didn't give a damn. This horrible pattern continued for far too long. We both eventually recovered the ability to think properly and stopped this nonsense.

Three of these men, Joseph, Jared, and Daniel (yes I am having trouble thinking of generic white male names) all took particular interest in me. They said things like how they admired my extremely strong sense of self, for my age, let along for a person. This was actually perceived half because I knew some of who I was very well. Half was because not caring about a damn thing makes for a very free spirited girl, saying whatever, whenever. I guess I was just lucky to be just intelligent and eloquent enough to not sound as ignorant as I really was. They said I was different. That's now laughable.

They weren't really wowed at all, like they made me feel. I just gave them a boner without annoying them. I wish there was someone older, wiser, and caring to tell me that there was actually nothing special about older men liking a stupid girl. In fact, it's looked down upon, and for good reason. I suppose at least I'm still a girl that likes kitties, pokemon, soft scarves, and have never done heroin.

Porn

I'm so nauseous, I have to concentrate to not throw up. I am drinking water to push the hot acid-reflux down. My saliva feels gross. This happens almost every time I watch porn. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't understand it. I tend to watch rape fantasies. I know these actresses consent but it still makes me feel like shit; I can't help it. I keep accidentally stumbling upon rape scenes from movies, where these actresses are not porn starts but are acting to convince you that they're being raped. In porn, it's pretty obvious it's all fake, and the actresses are letting this happen. This way, it looks a lot less cruel, in fact not cruel at all.

I used to be able to watch porn in peace and indulge my fantasies but for the past few months, these have made me physically and mentally ill. On one occasion, I felt so terrible, I found a mental health forum where I could ask peers which included psychologists their opinion. They reminded me that that rape is the most common fantasy for women and is completely normal. I suppose all this is because for some reason, I cannot indulge in this fantasy any more without keeping in mind that rape exists, and is terrible. I may be laying in bed masturbating, controlling my fantasy, but there is a rate of #/minute of women being raped. I can feel in my subconscious, tiny, blurred images of what I imagine real women being really raped. I feel so sick. It brings my whole body down a couple notches. I wish there were something I could do.. for reality, and for myself.

I want my life to be a movie where it rains when I cry. I want those that hurt me to feel bad, like in movies, because that doesn't really happen in real life. In the show House, a rape victim asked House if he thought that the guy felt bad. He didn't answer. I think the reason the script didn't let him answer was because most likely, rapists don't feel bad. Mean people are mean. Assholes are asses. I want to light on fire when I get mad. Then the asshole would realize that being an asshole is not good. I want my life to be a movie. Just that easy.

I haven't felt this sad in a long time. My past haunts me. I have so much running through my mind, and yet it is still so foggy it feels more like the emptiest void yet. Both a busy mind like the streets of LA or a head in the clouds is not healthy, but what if you're excess of both? I don't know. There truly is so much wrong with me.

The lesser sex

No matter how much junk I shove in the back of my mind, I can't help but notice the minutes go by and the likelihood of him coming slip away by like life slipping away as grains in an hour glass. Right now, I really hate being the emotionally weaker sex.

Sigh, Males.

I have a problem bugging me right now, that most of the female population in a relationship have, at least in North America. Well I guess I can't speak for North America, just Northern California. I haven't explored enough to think that this stupid habit that is bothering me is shared by the males of all the U.S.

Is there a name for chronic ... not-doing-what-one-says? A psychobabble, technical term that sounds like a gruesome disease that would make me feel better? I'll call it... fudge. Because I'm not creative, and all that comes to mind are cuss words. Grant fudges constantly. It is the default action to any time I ask a question like,

"When will you be home? How long are you going to take? I don't care when or how long, I just would like an estimate."

Response: "Probably x hours."

x.5 hours later: "Hey what are you doing?"

"..."

"You haven't left yet?"

"No, I'll leave in about an hour?"

"Whatever. Talk to you later."

My responses increase slowly in hostility until tonight. Tonight, I told him not to bother coming back. I will admit, most of me wants him to come up anyways and make everything better, give me the 30th promise that he'll keep his word from now on. In each of these dilemmas, I tell him not to give me an estimate he won't keep any more. The cycle repeats.

When this happens once, it is not a big deal. When it happens 10x, I consider it "not keeping one's word". Because of this cycle, the rest of me hopes that after we spend a night apart in anger, he'll realize when I say, "This bullshit matters to me. I don't like getting upset over bullshit. So stop bullshitting me." I mean it.

I think it was the last fight we had, that he scrawled himself a note. It said, "When I say I will call her, DO IT". Apparently it was too vague a note to remember the obligations he spews out at me.

Sigh... writing is supposed to make you feel better but it's not working, because I already know the results of this fight. It will be the same of every one of these tiffs. After much misery on my part, I'll give in and forgive him, because I'm tired of being miserable. He gets what he wants, and does it again the next day. This is because males don't care about what females feel at this point. All they're thinking is that what we're saying doesn't make any sense, and therefore they just choose to forget about it. I'm overreacting? Well, after getting his lawn shat on every morning in "Me, Myself and Irene", shitting back may also be called overreacting.

Day 1

Of Alli, and Slimquick Hoodia.

Alli is a diet pill which is proven to decrease the amount of fat you absorb, up to half of the fat you eat per meal. The fat that you eat, that is not absorbed must go somewhere so it goes out your butt! This is the main complain for Alli, that when people do not follow the low fat diet, they pay for it with uncontrollable bowl movements, and being leaky and gassy in general.

I would prefer simple hoodia extract capsules, because vitamin companies would be more reliable, but it only comes in diet brands. Hoodia is a South African herb, used for appetite repression during long hunts. Even those that oppose the effectiveness of this herb admits at least that. Clinical trials go both ways, but that just makes me think of how everything effects everybody in different ways. If it doesn't work for you, doesn't meant it won't work for someone else!

It probably sounds like overkill to take on two different diet plans, but I'm okay with that. I used to be a crazy fit athlete that did cardio and weight training 3 times a day, 7 days a week, and thus could eat whatever I wanted, and stayed at 5'3, 140lb. I am now (still 5'3!), and 168lb. I plan to loose 60lb. That also might sound like over kill but my old ju jitsu and weight training partner was a body builder (and you could see it in every part of her body!), and was 110, and my height. I don't want to have as much muscle as she, so there is no doubt that I can reach that weight while staying athletically muscular.

I gained nearly 30lb because of a thyroid problem my doctor just discovered. For now, I am taking 3 daily thyroid supplements but I want the weight gone as fast as I can get rid of it, so you might say that I am taking 3 different medications for weight loss. I will never be able to swim as much as I did when I was on my college swim team with a coach pushing me and daily practice, but I can swim two days a week in a class and do my best to push myself. I also plan to join a new dojo for Shotokan Karate, and potentially another dojo for karate, since all my old martial art places I did attend are now closed. So sad! I hate to see good sensei's talents go to waste, due to the economy.

Anyways, wish me luck in lowering my my diet to less fat, since I loooove fried, fatty foods, though I am sure I would dislike anal leaking even more!!

Embarrassing!

I bought alli and hoodia today. After looking online I finally admitted to myself that the hassle is not worth it, and went to walmart. I went to a cash register line that was short but unfortunatly, with a stupid cashier. I set everything upside down, bar-code up so I could get out of there quickly. She was incredibly slow, and turned everything over to look at it first, before turning it back over to scan them!!! She didn't seem to notice what I was buying because she was so brain dead, but the lady after me did. She saw the alli, and immediately looked me up and down. She was bigger than me, so she was probably thinking that I didn't need it but still! Stupid cash register. That's what I get for going to wal mart..

Sigh

Today, I got my second Organic Chemistry test back, and it said 58%. I've felt sick ever since. I got a B on the first test, so I'm not a complete dummy but really? Failure at the second test? Tests get harder as the semester goes on but that's just ridiculous. I suppose at the very least, I didn't go on the self-pitying zombie autopilot I used to do, where I play mindless games for the rest of the day and wonder why my life and I are so stupid. Instead, I went on a walk on the college's cross country trail till my next class, Calculus. My pitying boyfriend went with me, holding my lifeless hand, throwing in a random joke here and there just to make sure I was conscious. By the time we got to the pull up bars in place for interval training, I felt well enough to ask if he wanted to do pull ups. He asked how many, and I requested 300. He did an admirable 12, and didn't protest when I refused to do any, and we continued.

It's interesting how we all have so much untapped potential inside of ourselves. The ratio of time I spend playing various video games like Star Craft, Diablo, and Baulder's Gate on the computer at home, Pokemon on the game boy every where, and desktop tower defense at school is ridiculous versus the minute amount of studying I do here and there. Not to mention, all the TV I watch. Today, there are TONS of procrastination/entertainment options for students to choose from over using the brain. Many students also don't directly see the perks of an educated occupation that will be consist of most of their lives, because so much is handed to them by their parents, myself included. I can imagine how motivated I would be if I were consistently longing for all the video games and TV that I grew up with. My parents certainly didn't grow up with these luxuries, they were not in a time of comfort and gluttony. I sure am. A year ago, I used to wonder how some kids took way more than full-time college units as well as working part time, and I get it now. It is because they had to/knew they could. Well, okay I get it now, I know I can. Sooo... when does my potential start kicking in? If only it were that easy... Gosh, if only I had collected some discipline over the years! Since I have pretty much none, I must try to summon it all now.

A friend I hadn't talked to in ages called and let me know he was on campus. I sat with him and his husky, Mikka, outside the welding shop. We sat and watched dirty, grunt-like guys walk in and out. This friend of mine is a very sheltered and naive Jehova's Witness with no self esteem, but so much potential. Naturally intelligent and witty, he has a humor that can keep up with mine. If only he were born into a different family.. but alas, he would then not be himself and so there is no point in such a thought. (This is something I am an experienced professional at; wishing for what is not so.) Anyways, being mopy around him helped me recover because of the irony. He is so frequently depressed about girl after girl, and being a confused teen with no purpose, that my being the droopy one was something new. We sat in silence, playing with restless Mikka who took turns chewing on our shoes, thinking about everything I tell him when he's upset. "There's no point in staying sad or beating yourself up. Think of a solution and do it. Go take a walk. Pick some flowers. Play with your dog. Relationships are stupid until you're 30 anyways and even then most aren't happy. Don't worry so much. Read a new book. Learn a language. Do a brain enhancing puzzle. Learn to do suduko. Do 50 push ups." Gee am I helpful.

Luckily for me, I am over a lot of the "teen depression"/"no purpose, wtf? trouble" that he is still pondering. I am onto the next hump: ...well what shall I label this stage? Hmm. the "No More Whining" stage. The "Time to Grow Up" stage. The "Just Do It" stage. The "Climb Every Mountain" stage. The solution to my current problem is a simple, but my high mountain to get over. It's called "study" or "use your brain". I told my boyfriend that I am not allowed to play any type of video game until I get an A on a test (Art doesn't count). He widened his eyes at me and said, "Wow" with no sarcasm. Ah, that just goes to show what we do with our time..

After leaving the college, we went for Chinese. I try the Walnut Shrimp whenever I go to a new Chinese restaurant. My fortune said, "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course." It's pretty ridiculous to think that fortune writers, factories, and shipments know which fortune is for you wherever you are at that time but somehow, my fortunes have a way of fitting me. This one was definitely an encouraging lift. Thank you, dear void.

Philosophy

Hi. I am someone that 's going to try to keep a journal. Making it online seems more like a dedication with the chance of this being read by a human. This is something I need to do since writing in a notepad on my computer failed after one note, and numerous physical notepads are scattered about and forgotten, with one or two entries. It seems like my mind is very much stuffed full of thoughts and yet when it comes to spilling, I don't have a thing to say except this silly small talk with no one. I'm bored. My life is by the book, considered perfect, besides the fact that my head is empty. I am a privileged, middle class, spoiled only child, clueless female. Then again, because I know that I am clueless, that means I have at least one clue. The question "Why?" ... Or "how", or "what", or whatever. Isn't that how philosophers start? They think too much or something like that? Perhaps I think too much instead of doing, like everyone else around me. Perhaps you are reading the beginning works of the next great philosopher of the 21st century. Luck you :P