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So, today: terrible mood + terrible performance in front of the bf + 21 days/3 weeks before school starts = Mission Independence.

I Premium fuel
a) Vitamin w breakfast every day
b)5 vegetables/day
c)3 fruits/day
d) 8 cups green tea/day
e) Aim for 1,100 calories/day

II Premium waxing
a) 1 hours cardio/day
b) Ab routine/day
c) yoga routine/day
d) 100JJ/day

III Enrichment
a) Study 1hr/day of Nut/Calc/Eng
b) Spend the majority of my time reading

Goal: To be the best me I can be.
Bar of standard: Loose 4lb/week, exceeding normal standards.

What I Want in Life

I've often heard this, and I even wrote a previous blog but erased it because I thought it silly, but right now I'm watching A Perfect Score, the one with Robert Deniro and Edward Norton. In it, Deniro says something along the lines of "make a list of what you want, slowly get them one by one," and ... enjoy it or something like that. The moral: having a set goal is good, even if it changes.

I want to work in a smallish city like Santa Cruz somewhere in a scientist recommended country for global warming, living from small house to house as I buy them, somewhat near a college. I as I buy them and pay them off, I'd live them rent them out relatively cheaply to good students. In the end, I want to retire nicely and do a good deed to the future generations.

In the end, I want to live far enough in the country that would be agreeable for a zombie invasion. Yes I'm serious and yes I'm silly. Shut up, this is my list! I’d like at least an acre, hopefully two or even three. I’d like a strong fence that can take charging zombies, and a tall design so the average athletic joe couldn’t climb it, as well as a gate. I grew up opening and closing a gate to my house, so I’m used to the inconvenience. Maybe I’d even have a solar powered opener, like my parents.

Maybe not while I’m working with kids, etc. but certainly when I’m retired, I’d like my home to be quiet self-sustained. I’d like to start with the easiest and hopefully accomplish a lot, starting with chickens and eggs, maybe a goat or two to trim the lawn, maybe even a milk cow or another …not milk cow, land permitting, for beef. If I got really crazy, I could just stick with goats and goat milk, though I’ve never tried goat milk but love cow milk, so we’ll see. If I were successful enough (now that I think of it, it wouldn’t take that much money) I could choose a parcel of land that had a natural spring, dig up a pond, and stick salmon and another healthy fish in there. Then I, and the animals would be really happy. =)

I’d like two German shepherds, one girl and one boy named beauty and beast, or buffy and spike, etc. (lol) and a lab of some sort. I’ve never had a lab but they’re so fun! =) Either way, a third dog of some sort, and of course, kitties. A friend had a good idea, to not have a doggie door as it lets in so much cold/hot air. Then again, she had a shitty one always half broken. Maybe by then, they’d have an efficient one, but it does sound good as far as security goes. Even with all my silly requirements, I do want everything to be modest looking, as to not attract attention during say, a depression.

I’ve always wanted my kids to go to the finest (non-religious/ridiculously academic) academic schools, but with global warming in mind, I’ll have to do my best. I don’t want to have to worry about the advancing parental worries of the internet, etc. but as technology is only growing, them being computer literate is also important. I hope having computers in some sort of family room would be sufficient. Speaking of rooms, I would like a nice kitchen with lots of shelf space + a pantry. I used to want a second fridge but on second thought, that is a lot of energy consumption when things in a fridge might not be that good.

I want a sufficiently roomy kitchen, small dining room that could barely fit 6, a living room/main TV room with treadmill, stair master, and perhaps another future exercise contraption, office where my and my spouse’s desks and computers would be, family room where kid stuff and their computers (two old ones I’m thinking, depending on the # of kids) would be, enough rooms for the kids to each have their own, though I think it would be healthy for them to share a bathroom. As an only child, I feel that having the privacy of one’s own room is important. And finally, a master bedroom with a not-ridiculous-master bathroom. If we were ever to have a jaccuzi of some sort, it would be outside to be shared with everyone, not selfishly in our bathroom.

Confessions of a Stupid Girl

Barely 18 years old, I wowed three middle aged men.

It all started with my middle aged friend Ling. Going to college at a young age means a naive person amongst older people. Growing up fast made me mature enough to not only able to eloquently communicate but live in their world and befriend a woman 15 years older than me. I was closer to her daughter's age. Shortly after we befriended, her ex-husband, father of her daughter, passed. Then followed was a dark time for her of confused misery and loneliness. She charged through this through sex drugs (alcohol) and ...experimentation. My first regret is that I was not at the time, wise enough as to what was truly going on. Her first threesome wasn't with me, but now the majority of them are, comprising of 3 men, all 6-30 years older than me, totaling to 5 occasions. We also had similar incidences, making a total of 5 different men.


That all started with her friend Joseph, an old coworker of hers. We had always been the different sort of girls that like beer, talk about sex, etc. When she found that a man had never made me orgasm, she thought of her old coworker, her emotional and sexual comfort during a miserable marriage. When she happened to be traveling near his area, she invited me along and even paid for a hotel. I didn't know why should would do that, basically so I could have sex with an old flame and I doubt she knew either. Why would I even consider sex with a stranger? I was just that lost, as well. I suppose upon reflection, I realize that we were both numbed from pain we did not want to deal with, and so our subconscious searched for something to feel. Anyways, sex with Ling's Joseph pushed us into a downward spiral, and neither of us knew it was happening. Of course, she was conflicted afterwords with a terrible mixture of jealousy, confusion, wanting, and resentment, she lead the way to worse situations and I followed, hand in hand. We are both equally to blame.

From a psychological standpoint, all of her decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, and the search for a cure in all the wrong men. She was the independent type no one could help, yet her weakness was her romantic void, and her need to fill it. Overweight, older, and with kids, she felt she got men's attention more when she was by my side, smacking my ass and pinching my nipples. Unfortunately, the morning after was always the same "wham bam thank you ma'am" shit, and she was left feeling worse, of course. If I could go back in time and change things or tell myself something, this is it.

From a psychological standpoint, all of my decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, accompanied by youth's ignorance and lack of fear. I was naive, and game for anything. A good two years later, (not much, I know) I can't adequately determine what my malfunction was, which I know still exists. My best analysis is that I perceived drinking underage in all the bars of my town and the surrounding, experimenting with a female, and attention from older men as me being special. I'm pretty sure I just hated myself. I'm pretty sure at some point, I acknowledged that was I was doing was sleeping around (stupid), and just didn't give a damn. This horrible pattern continued for far too long. We both eventually recovered the ability to think properly and stopped this nonsense.

Three of these men, Joseph, Jared, and Daniel (yes I am having trouble thinking of generic white male names) all took particular interest in me. They said things like how they admired my extremely strong sense of self, for my age, let along for a person. This was actually perceived half because I knew some of who I was very well. Half was because not caring about a damn thing makes for a very free spirited girl, saying whatever, whenever. I guess I was just lucky to be just intelligent and eloquent enough to not sound as ignorant as I really was. They said I was different. That's now laughable.

They weren't really wowed at all, like they made me feel. I just gave them a boner without annoying them. I wish there was someone older, wiser, and caring to tell me that there was actually nothing special about older men liking a stupid girl. In fact, it's looked down upon, and for good reason. I suppose at least I'm still a girl that likes kitties, pokemon, soft scarves, and have never done heroin.

Porn

I'm so nauseous, I have to concentrate to not throw up. I am drinking water to push the hot acid-reflux down. My saliva feels gross. This happens almost every time I watch porn. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't understand it. I tend to watch rape fantasies. I know these actresses consent but it still makes me feel like shit; I can't help it. I keep accidentally stumbling upon rape scenes from movies, where these actresses are not porn starts but are acting to convince you that they're being raped. In porn, it's pretty obvious it's all fake, and the actresses are letting this happen. This way, it looks a lot less cruel, in fact not cruel at all.

I used to be able to watch porn in peace and indulge my fantasies but for the past few months, these have made me physically and mentally ill. On one occasion, I felt so terrible, I found a mental health forum where I could ask peers which included psychologists their opinion. They reminded me that that rape is the most common fantasy for women and is completely normal. I suppose all this is because for some reason, I cannot indulge in this fantasy any more without keeping in mind that rape exists, and is terrible. I may be laying in bed masturbating, controlling my fantasy, but there is a rate of #/minute of women being raped. I can feel in my subconscious, tiny, blurred images of what I imagine real women being really raped. I feel so sick. It brings my whole body down a couple notches. I wish there were something I could do.. for reality, and for myself.

I want my life to be a movie where it rains when I cry. I want those that hurt me to feel bad, like in movies, because that doesn't really happen in real life. In the show House, a rape victim asked House if he thought that the guy felt bad. He didn't answer. I think the reason the script didn't let him answer was because most likely, rapists don't feel bad. Mean people are mean. Assholes are asses. I want to light on fire when I get mad. Then the asshole would realize that being an asshole is not good. I want my life to be a movie. Just that easy.

I haven't felt this sad in a long time. My past haunts me. I have so much running through my mind, and yet it is still so foggy it feels more like the emptiest void yet. Both a busy mind like the streets of LA or a head in the clouds is not healthy, but what if you're excess of both? I don't know. There truly is so much wrong with me.

The lesser sex

No matter how much junk I shove in the back of my mind, I can't help but notice the minutes go by and the likelihood of him coming slip away by like life slipping away as grains in an hour glass. Right now, I really hate being the emotionally weaker sex.