Confessions of a Stupid Girl

Barely 18 years old, I wowed three middle aged men.

It all started with my middle aged friend Ling. Going to college at a young age means a naive person amongst older people. Growing up fast made me mature enough to not only able to eloquently communicate but live in their world and befriend a woman 15 years older than me. I was closer to her daughter's age. Shortly after we befriended, her ex-husband, father of her daughter, passed. Then followed was a dark time for her of confused misery and loneliness. She charged through this through sex drugs (alcohol) and ...experimentation. My first regret is that I was not at the time, wise enough as to what was truly going on. Her first threesome wasn't with me, but now the majority of them are, comprising of 3 men, all 6-30 years older than me, totaling to 5 occasions. We also had similar incidences, making a total of 5 different men.


That all started with her friend Joseph, an old coworker of hers. We had always been the different sort of girls that like beer, talk about sex, etc. When she found that a man had never made me orgasm, she thought of her old coworker, her emotional and sexual comfort during a miserable marriage. When she happened to be traveling near his area, she invited me along and even paid for a hotel. I didn't know why should would do that, basically so I could have sex with an old flame and I doubt she knew either. Why would I even consider sex with a stranger? I was just that lost, as well. I suppose upon reflection, I realize that we were both numbed from pain we did not want to deal with, and so our subconscious searched for something to feel. Anyways, sex with Ling's Joseph pushed us into a downward spiral, and neither of us knew it was happening. Of course, she was conflicted afterwords with a terrible mixture of jealousy, confusion, wanting, and resentment, she lead the way to worse situations and I followed, hand in hand. We are both equally to blame.

From a psychological standpoint, all of her decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, and the search for a cure in all the wrong men. She was the independent type no one could help, yet her weakness was her romantic void, and her need to fill it. Overweight, older, and with kids, she felt she got men's attention more when she was by my side, smacking my ass and pinching my nipples. Unfortunately, the morning after was always the same "wham bam thank you ma'am" shit, and she was left feeling worse, of course. If I could go back in time and change things or tell myself something, this is it.

From a psychological standpoint, all of my decisions stemmed from misery and loneliness, accompanied by youth's ignorance and lack of fear. I was naive, and game for anything. A good two years later, (not much, I know) I can't adequately determine what my malfunction was, which I know still exists. My best analysis is that I perceived drinking underage in all the bars of my town and the surrounding, experimenting with a female, and attention from older men as me being special. I'm pretty sure I just hated myself. I'm pretty sure at some point, I acknowledged that was I was doing was sleeping around (stupid), and just didn't give a damn. This horrible pattern continued for far too long. We both eventually recovered the ability to think properly and stopped this nonsense.

Three of these men, Joseph, Jared, and Daniel (yes I am having trouble thinking of generic white male names) all took particular interest in me. They said things like how they admired my extremely strong sense of self, for my age, let along for a person. This was actually perceived half because I knew some of who I was very well. Half was because not caring about a damn thing makes for a very free spirited girl, saying whatever, whenever. I guess I was just lucky to be just intelligent and eloquent enough to not sound as ignorant as I really was. They said I was different. That's now laughable.

They weren't really wowed at all, like they made me feel. I just gave them a boner without annoying them. I wish there was someone older, wiser, and caring to tell me that there was actually nothing special about older men liking a stupid girl. In fact, it's looked down upon, and for good reason. I suppose at least I'm still a girl that likes kitties, pokemon, soft scarves, and have never done heroin.