Porn

I'm so nauseous, I have to concentrate to not throw up. I am drinking water to push the hot acid-reflux down. My saliva feels gross. This happens almost every time I watch porn. Does this happen to anyone else? I don't understand it. I tend to watch rape fantasies. I know these actresses consent but it still makes me feel like shit; I can't help it. I keep accidentally stumbling upon rape scenes from movies, where these actresses are not porn starts but are acting to convince you that they're being raped. In porn, it's pretty obvious it's all fake, and the actresses are letting this happen. This way, it looks a lot less cruel, in fact not cruel at all.

I used to be able to watch porn in peace and indulge my fantasies but for the past few months, these have made me physically and mentally ill. On one occasion, I felt so terrible, I found a mental health forum where I could ask peers which included psychologists their opinion. They reminded me that that rape is the most common fantasy for women and is completely normal. I suppose all this is because for some reason, I cannot indulge in this fantasy any more without keeping in mind that rape exists, and is terrible. I may be laying in bed masturbating, controlling my fantasy, but there is a rate of #/minute of women being raped. I can feel in my subconscious, tiny, blurred images of what I imagine real women being really raped. I feel so sick. It brings my whole body down a couple notches. I wish there were something I could do.. for reality, and for myself.