Friday, November 27, 2009
I want my life to be a movie where it rains when I cry. I want those that hurt me to feel bad, like in movies, because that doesn't really happen in real life. In the show House, a rape victim asked House if he thought that the guy felt bad. He didn't answer. I think the reason the script didn't let him answer was because most likely, rapists don't feel bad. Mean people are mean. Assholes are asses. I want to light on fire when I get mad. Then the asshole would realize that being an asshole is not good. I want my life to be a movie. Just that easy.
I haven't felt this sad in a long time. My past haunts me. I have so much running through my mind, and yet it is still so foggy it feels more like the emptiest void yet. Both a busy mind like the streets of LA or a head in the clouds is not healthy, but what if you're excess of both? I don't know. There truly is so much wrong with me.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
The lesser sex
No matter how much junk I shove in the back of my mind, I can't help but notice the minutes go by and the likelihood of him coming slip away by like life slipping away as grains in an hour glass. Right now, I really hate being the emotionally weaker sex.
Sigh, Males.
I have a problem bugging me right now, that most of the female population in a relationship have, at least in North America. Well I guess I can't speak for North America, just Northern California. I haven't explored enough to think that this stupid habit that is bothering me is shared by the males of all the U.S.
Is there a name for chronic ... not-doing-what-one-says? A psychobabble, technical term that sounds like a gruesome disease that would make me feel better? I'll call it... fudge. Because I'm not creative, and all that comes to mind are cuss words. Grant fudges constantly. It is the default action to any time I ask a question like,
"When will you be home? How long are you going to take? I don't care when or how long, I just would like an estimate."
Response: "Probably x hours."
x.5 hours later: "Hey what are you doing?"
"..."
"You haven't left yet?"
"No, I'll leave in about an hour?"
"Whatever. Talk to you later."
My responses increase slowly in hostility until tonight. Tonight, I told him not to bother coming back. I will admit, most of me wants him to come up anyways and make everything better, give me the 30th promise that he'll keep his word from now on. In each of these dilemmas, I tell him not to give me an estimate he won't keep any more. The cycle repeats.
When this happens once, it is not a big deal. When it happens 10x, I consider it "not keeping one's word". Because of this cycle, the rest of me hopes that after we spend a night apart in anger, he'll realize when I say, "This bullshit matters to me. I don't like getting upset over bullshit. So stop bullshitting me." I mean it.
I think it was the last fight we had, that he scrawled himself a note. It said, "When I say I will call her, DO IT". Apparently it was too vague a note to remember the obligations he spews out at me.
Sigh... writing is supposed to make you feel better but it's not working, because I already know the results of this fight. It will be the same of every one of these tiffs. After much misery on my part, I'll give in and forgive him, because I'm tired of being miserable. He gets what he wants, and does it again the next day. This is because males don't care about what females feel at this point. All they're thinking is that what we're saying doesn't make any sense, and therefore they just choose to forget about it. I'm overreacting? Well, after getting his lawn shat on every morning in "Me, Myself and Irene", shitting back may also be called overreacting.
Is there a name for chronic ... not-doing-what-one-says? A psychobabble, technical term that sounds like a gruesome disease that would make me feel better? I'll call it... fudge. Because I'm not creative, and all that comes to mind are cuss words. Grant fudges constantly. It is the default action to any time I ask a question like,
"When will you be home? How long are you going to take? I don't care when or how long, I just would like an estimate."
Response: "Probably x hours."
x.5 hours later: "Hey what are you doing?"
"..."
"You haven't left yet?"
"No, I'll leave in about an hour?"
"Whatever. Talk to you later."
My responses increase slowly in hostility until tonight. Tonight, I told him not to bother coming back. I will admit, most of me wants him to come up anyways and make everything better, give me the 30th promise that he'll keep his word from now on. In each of these dilemmas, I tell him not to give me an estimate he won't keep any more. The cycle repeats.
When this happens once, it is not a big deal. When it happens 10x, I consider it "not keeping one's word". Because of this cycle, the rest of me hopes that after we spend a night apart in anger, he'll realize when I say, "This bullshit matters to me. I don't like getting upset over bullshit. So stop bullshitting me." I mean it.
I think it was the last fight we had, that he scrawled himself a note. It said, "When I say I will call her, DO IT". Apparently it was too vague a note to remember the obligations he spews out at me.
Sigh... writing is supposed to make you feel better but it's not working, because I already know the results of this fight. It will be the same of every one of these tiffs. After much misery on my part, I'll give in and forgive him, because I'm tired of being miserable. He gets what he wants, and does it again the next day. This is because males don't care about what females feel at this point. All they're thinking is that what we're saying doesn't make any sense, and therefore they just choose to forget about it. I'm overreacting? Well, after getting his lawn shat on every morning in "Me, Myself and Irene", shitting back may also be called overreacting.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Day 1
Of Alli, and Slimquick Hoodia.
Alli is a diet pill which is proven to decrease the amount of fat you absorb, up to half of the fat you eat per meal. The fat that you eat, that is not absorbed must go somewhere so it goes out your butt! This is the main complain for Alli, that when people do not follow the low fat diet, they pay for it with uncontrollable bowl movements, and being leaky and gassy in general.
I would prefer simple hoodia extract capsules, because vitamin companies would be more reliable, but it only comes in diet brands. Hoodia is a South African herb, used for appetite repression during long hunts. Even those that oppose the effectiveness of this herb admits at least that. Clinical trials go both ways, but that just makes me think of how everything effects everybody in different ways. If it doesn't work for you, doesn't meant it won't work for someone else!
It probably sounds like overkill to take on two different diet plans, but I'm okay with that. I used to be a crazy fit athlete that did cardio and weight training 3 times a day, 7 days a week, and thus could eat whatever I wanted, and stayed at 5'3, 140lb. I am now (still 5'3!), and 168lb. I plan to loose 60lb. That also might sound like over kill but my old ju jitsu and weight training partner was a body builder (and you could see it in every part of her body!), and was 110, and my height. I don't want to have as much muscle as she, so there is no doubt that I can reach that weight while staying athletically muscular.
I gained nearly 30lb because of a thyroid problem my doctor just discovered. For now, I am taking 3 daily thyroid supplements but I want the weight gone as fast as I can get rid of it, so you might say that I am taking 3 different medications for weight loss. I will never be able to swim as much as I did when I was on my college swim team with a coach pushing me and daily practice, but I can swim two days a week in a class and do my best to push myself. I also plan to join a new dojo for Shotokan Karate, and potentially another dojo for karate, since all my old martial art places I did attend are now closed. So sad! I hate to see good sensei's talents go to waste, due to the economy.
Anyways, wish me luck in lowering my my diet to less fat, since I loooove fried, fatty foods, though I am sure I would dislike anal leaking even more!!
Alli is a diet pill which is proven to decrease the amount of fat you absorb, up to half of the fat you eat per meal. The fat that you eat, that is not absorbed must go somewhere so it goes out your butt! This is the main complain for Alli, that when people do not follow the low fat diet, they pay for it with uncontrollable bowl movements, and being leaky and gassy in general.
I would prefer simple hoodia extract capsules, because vitamin companies would be more reliable, but it only comes in diet brands. Hoodia is a South African herb, used for appetite repression during long hunts. Even those that oppose the effectiveness of this herb admits at least that. Clinical trials go both ways, but that just makes me think of how everything effects everybody in different ways. If it doesn't work for you, doesn't meant it won't work for someone else!
It probably sounds like overkill to take on two different diet plans, but I'm okay with that. I used to be a crazy fit athlete that did cardio and weight training 3 times a day, 7 days a week, and thus could eat whatever I wanted, and stayed at 5'3, 140lb. I am now (still 5'3!), and 168lb. I plan to loose 60lb. That also might sound like over kill but my old ju jitsu and weight training partner was a body builder (and you could see it in every part of her body!), and was 110, and my height. I don't want to have as much muscle as she, so there is no doubt that I can reach that weight while staying athletically muscular.
I gained nearly 30lb because of a thyroid problem my doctor just discovered. For now, I am taking 3 daily thyroid supplements but I want the weight gone as fast as I can get rid of it, so you might say that I am taking 3 different medications for weight loss. I will never be able to swim as much as I did when I was on my college swim team with a coach pushing me and daily practice, but I can swim two days a week in a class and do my best to push myself. I also plan to join a new dojo for Shotokan Karate, and potentially another dojo for karate, since all my old martial art places I did attend are now closed. So sad! I hate to see good sensei's talents go to waste, due to the economy.
Anyways, wish me luck in lowering my my diet to less fat, since I loooove fried, fatty foods, though I am sure I would dislike anal leaking even more!!
Embarrassing!
I bought alli and hoodia today. After looking online I finally admitted to myself that the hassle is not worth it, and went to walmart. I went to a cash register line that was short but unfortunatly, with a stupid cashier. I set everything upside down, bar-code up so I could get out of there quickly. She was incredibly slow, and turned everything over to look at it first, before turning it back over to scan them!!! She didn't seem to notice what I was buying because she was so brain dead, but the lady after me did. She saw the alli, and immediately looked me up and down. She was bigger than me, so she was probably thinking that I didn't need it but still! Stupid cash register. That's what I get for going to wal mart..
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