Sigh

Today, I got my second Organic Chemistry test back, and it said 58%. I've felt sick ever since. I got a B on the first test, so I'm not a complete dummy but really? Failure at the second test? Tests get harder as the semester goes on but that's just ridiculous. I suppose at the very least, I didn't go on the self-pitying zombie autopilot I used to do, where I play mindless games for the rest of the day and wonder why my life and I are so stupid. Instead, I went on a walk on the college's cross country trail till my next class, Calculus. My pitying boyfriend went with me, holding my lifeless hand, throwing in a random joke here and there just to make sure I was conscious. By the time we got to the pull up bars in place for interval training, I felt well enough to ask if he wanted to do pull ups. He asked how many, and I requested 300. He did an admirable 12, and didn't protest when I refused to do any, and we continued.

It's interesting how we all have so much untapped potential inside of ourselves. The ratio of time I spend playing various video games like Star Craft, Diablo, and Baulder's Gate on the computer at home, Pokemon on the game boy every where, and desktop tower defense at school is ridiculous versus the minute amount of studying I do here and there. Not to mention, all the TV I watch. Today, there are TONS of procrastination/entertainment options for students to choose from over using the brain. Many students also don't directly see the perks of an educated occupation that will be consist of most of their lives, because so much is handed to them by their parents, myself included. I can imagine how motivated I would be if I were consistently longing for all the video games and TV that I grew up with. My parents certainly didn't grow up with these luxuries, they were not in a time of comfort and gluttony. I sure am. A year ago, I used to wonder how some kids took way more than full-time college units as well as working part time, and I get it now. It is because they had to/knew they could. Well, okay I get it now, I know I can. Sooo... when does my potential start kicking in? If only it were that easy... Gosh, if only I had collected some discipline over the years! Since I have pretty much none, I must try to summon it all now.

A friend I hadn't talked to in ages called and let me know he was on campus. I sat with him and his husky, Mikka, outside the welding shop. We sat and watched dirty, grunt-like guys walk in and out. This friend of mine is a very sheltered and naive Jehova's Witness with no self esteem, but so much potential. Naturally intelligent and witty, he has a humor that can keep up with mine. If only he were born into a different family.. but alas, he would then not be himself and so there is no point in such a thought. (This is something I am an experienced professional at; wishing for what is not so.) Anyways, being mopy around him helped me recover because of the irony. He is so frequently depressed about girl after girl, and being a confused teen with no purpose, that my being the droopy one was something new. We sat in silence, playing with restless Mikka who took turns chewing on our shoes, thinking about everything I tell him when he's upset. "There's no point in staying sad or beating yourself up. Think of a solution and do it. Go take a walk. Pick some flowers. Play with your dog. Relationships are stupid until you're 30 anyways and even then most aren't happy. Don't worry so much. Read a new book. Learn a language. Do a brain enhancing puzzle. Learn to do suduko. Do 50 push ups." Gee am I helpful.

Luckily for me, I am over a lot of the "teen depression"/"no purpose, wtf? trouble" that he is still pondering. I am onto the next hump: ...well what shall I label this stage? Hmm. the "No More Whining" stage. The "Time to Grow Up" stage. The "Just Do It" stage. The "Climb Every Mountain" stage. The solution to my current problem is a simple, but my high mountain to get over. It's called "study" or "use your brain". I told my boyfriend that I am not allowed to play any type of video game until I get an A on a test (Art doesn't count). He widened his eyes at me and said, "Wow" with no sarcasm. Ah, that just goes to show what we do with our time..

After leaving the college, we went for Chinese. I try the Walnut Shrimp whenever I go to a new Chinese restaurant. My fortune said, "You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course." It's pretty ridiculous to think that fortune writers, factories, and shipments know which fortune is for you wherever you are at that time but somehow, my fortunes have a way of fitting me. This one was definitely an encouraging lift. Thank you, dear void.

Philosophy

Hi. I am someone that 's going to try to keep a journal. Making it online seems more like a dedication with the chance of this being read by a human. This is something I need to do since writing in a notepad on my computer failed after one note, and numerous physical notepads are scattered about and forgotten, with one or two entries. It seems like my mind is very much stuffed full of thoughts and yet when it comes to spilling, I don't have a thing to say except this silly small talk with no one. I'm bored. My life is by the book, considered perfect, besides the fact that my head is empty. I am a privileged, middle class, spoiled only child, clueless female. Then again, because I know that I am clueless, that means I have at least one clue. The question "Why?" ... Or "how", or "what", or whatever. Isn't that how philosophers start? They think too much or something like that? Perhaps I think too much instead of doing, like everyone else around me. Perhaps you are reading the beginning works of the next great philosopher of the 21st century. Luck you :P